‘Distract yourself’

“I think I’m sad.”

“Why? You have a happy family, a good job. You’re following your dreams. How could you even be sad! Stop overthinking.”

And I did. Stopped overthinking. Tried to shut my thoughts. My mind, like a puppeteer, kept controlling, overpowering, and diminishing my every last ounce of sanity, self-worth, strength, and energy.

“Hey, can I tell you something?” I ask my midnight-friend.

“Go on”, he says.

I tell him my self-destructive phase, my sleepless nights, my loud thoughts, and my wretched self.

“I’m scared for you”, he says.

So I stop.

I don’t want to scare him. Or anyone. I try to distract myself, break free from my thoughts, trick them somehow into happiness. I tell everyone of my perfect life. Everyone, including the midnight-friend. He’s sceptical at first but soon buys into it.

And then the night arrives and with it come the fears, pressing deep into my chest. Deep enough to break my ribs. And I cry. Cry until I can’t cry anymore.

“Here, drink some water”, said no one ever. ‘Cause nobody can ever see me cry. It’s weakness to cry in front of someone.

It’s hard not to be vulnerable when that is all you ever are.

If only I wasn’t alone.

I distract myself once more.